Like many languages, French has two ways to address someone as "you". The formal is "vous" and the informal is "tu". As an English speaker, I make no distinction between tu and vous. Theoretically, I obviously understand the concept; I am able to use them at appropriate times. If a three year old, however, accidentally (or purposefully) calls me tu, I don't care. Not in the slightest. Even if someone called me tu to be purposefully insulting, I wouldn't care. I have been asked by everyone I work with within the first three minutes of meeting them if it is okay that we "tutoyer" - use tu instead of vous. "Bien sur" (Of course) I respond. For them, it is a legitimate question. For me, I laugh a little inside every time. It's not that I think they are ridiculous, its simply that I have no emotional reservations about their use of language regarding addressing someone, so if someone calls me something they shouldn't have, I am seemingly unable to get upset about it. (Yes, I've actually tried to care about this after watching an elementary school teacher yell at a child for addressing her as tu)
Now, the tables are turned when I walk into a store. Why doesn't the cashier make an effort to be mildly polite? Why do people act like it's an enormous inconvenience that I've asked them a question? Why won't anyone help me??? These are the thoughts that run through my mind on many shopping adventures. However, to a French person, if a cashier doesn't say "Have a nice day" or smile, they don't notice or care. More over, if they knew how much it bothered me, they would probably think I was ridiculous.
While its easy for me to point out the fact that I expect customer service and they expect more polite formalities than Americans do, it has been almost impossible for me to acknowlede that customer service is not intrinsically more important than pleasant formalities are. As an American, I place much more emphasis on business interaction that they do. I know this. Still, I can't help feeling that I'm right and they're wrong. I know its not true. I swear.
I think this formality on behalf of the French might be what has led many Americans to think that they are arrogant and rude. After watching them for several months, I've decided that they are actually far more polite than we are. Everyone greets each other with "Bonjour, Madame." Never just "Hey". Choir rehearsal always begins 15 minutes late even though everyone is there on time, because every individual must greet every other individual and ask about some aspect of their lives. "How are you feeling today?" "How was your daughter's soccer game?" "How was the train ride over here?" And, unlike Americans, the French answer honestly! Every week at rehearsal, I overhear something to the effect of:
"Ca va, Agathe?" - "Is it going well, Agatha?"
"Non, pas du tout!" - "No, not at all!"
This is usually followed by the reason for such a negative response, such as "I'm tired", "I have a lot of work to do when I get home.", or "This creepy American girl next to me observes me and then writes about it in her blog."
Recently, a teacher at one of my schools asked me, "How do you answer the question 'How are you?" if you're not doing so well. Is it 'I'm bad'?"
"We just say 'I'm okay' if we're bad." I answered.
"Oh," she replied, "but I thought that meant that you're fine, not good or bad."
"It does," I responded. "We don't really say if we're doing badly, we just say we are okay."
Perplexed, she continued, "Well, what if you're actually just okay, but not bad?"
"Well," I thought for a moment, "Then you just say you're well." I could see she was looking at me strangely. "If you're actually doing well, you say you're great! We don't really use 'How are you' as a question so much as a greeting."
"Oh really?" She answered, "So, when you say 'How are you', you're not really asking?"
"Exactly," I responded, feeling a little dehumanized. Of course, had anyone asked me how I felt, I obviously would have responded, "Great!"
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